Chapter 3: 'What's wrong with you?'

'Better Than This' the blog

'What's wrong with you?'

So, I have been hitting the job sites and postings on every job related website imaginable pretty hard lately and of course, where I live, in Las Vegas, the unemployment rate is currently at 14.5%, go figure. Anyhow, after my mental break down (I like to call it a breakthrough) I've noticed that I’ve gotten pretty lucky lately because I was able not just sent out my resume to a good handful of jobs but I’ve been able to line up four interviews today as a result and (my new and only friend in the world) Eric is available today and is willing to drive me to them all! Thank you lord, this is amazing. Who knows, there just might be a way out of this being homeless thing after all?!

And if you can believe this, on my way back from the bathroom my old boss (before Eric) just called me out of nowhere! He told me that he had an old paycheck for me? Commissions check that they’ve had for quite some time and that I never picked it up and obviously never cashed? I mean can you believe this?!! I say this with extreme happiness and a smile on my face from ear to ear but, “what is going on right now?”  Not only has it never been picked up or cashed but, they have it waiting for me! I had to ask. “How much is it?” My old boss says “Sixty dollars!” My reply; ….... "$60!!!” “Are you kidding me?” “Where are you? I’ll pick it up right now!” “I'll be there in 2.5 seconds!"

I'm sure they never had anyone so ecstatic about picking up a $60.00 paycheck before in the entire existence of their business. I'm probably still talked about around the water cooler today about my reaction but, what can I say, God is good and this is an incredible opportunity to get back on my feet! He says “I’m on the strip about to eat right now. Why don’t you come by and pick it up. I’ll be here for a little while.”

We hang up and I immediately call Eric.

I can’t seem to dial his number fast enough. I finally get his number typed in and my phone starts ringing. Eric picks up.

Eric: “Sup?”

Me: “I know that you have already agreed to give me a ride to my four interviews today and I totally appreciate it but, please, please tell me that you are available like right now?”

Eric: “Not really but why, what’s up?”

Me: “My old boss before you just called me and told me that one of my old clients called up and placed an order about a month ago and that they had a commission check waiting for me!”

Eric: “Oh, that’s huge! How much is it?”

Me: “$60!”

(Silence)

Eric: “Oh, well $60 bucks is good.”

(I know that he was just trying to be polite. He knows that $60 isn’t shit and I know that too but who gives a shit, $60 in cold hard cash is everything to me right now!)

Me: “Well? Can you come by the office now? He’s on the strip eating and I have to get over there before he’s finished.”

Eric: “Sure. Give me 15.”

Me: “Man, you are too awesome. Thank you soo much bro!”

Eric: “No prob. I’ll be there in a bit.”

We hang up and I can’t believe how excited I am. I feel like I just won the lottery. Like I want to do something? I want to go run a mile in record timing! I want to jump through these walls and over this building. But then my excitement is immediately crushed when I look down on the ground and see my clothes that are wrapped up and used as a make shift pillow and my crusty socks lying next to them. I am reminded once again of the fact that I am homeless and that this will be the first interaction with anyone that I will have (besides Eric) with knew me prior and my life before. He’s going to see me and immediately recognize the fact that I am homeless just by the clothes that I am wearing. If he even notices me at all. Fuck me.

I take a look around as if new clothes will magically pop up in a corner or out from beneath a desk somehow. Too late, my phone rings, it’s Eric. I answer. He says “I’m here.” I hang up. I’m officially leaving this office to meet my old boss (before Eric) looking homeless. This is going to be embarrassing.  

I leave the office. Hop in Eric’s truck and we head down to the strip. It’s not long before we get there. I call him to see if best case scenario he can have someone he’s with come down and bring the check to me so that I do not have to see him.

My old boss (we’ll call him Dwayne)

‘Dwayne’: “Yo! Where are you at?”

Me: “I’m here. Hey, can you have someone bring the check down to us. We’re double parked (a little white lie) and my friend doesn’t want to get towed.”

‘Dwayne’: “Are you kidding, bring your ass up here! I haven’t seen you in forever man!”

(I should have known this wasn’t going to be that easy)

Me: “But like I said, we’re double parked.”

‘Dwayne’: (cutting me off) “Bro, get your ass up here!”

(He hangs up)

After he hangs up, I look down at my phone and wait 5 seconds, hoping that he would call me back, having changed his mind and was sending someone down to deliver my check. No luck. I turn to Eric

Me: “Looks like we’re going up.”

Eric: “There?... And you……”

(I know what he wanted to say, “And you, looking the way you look” but he didn’t, because he is a friend, he couldn’t say it)

Me: “Yep, I need that check.”

Eric: (hesitantly) “Ok, then if that’s what you need, then lets go get it.”

What a great friend he is. He could have easily said that he’ll stay in the car and wait as I go get it but he didn’t. He coming with me and that by itself is the essence of what friends are for.

We get out of his car and head up the escalator on the strip and up the stairs to the restaurant my old boss is at. I have one thing on my mind and that the check for $60.00 so it’s easy for me to miss the looks the host and waitress are giving me as I make my way into the restaurant and pass them to where the eating area is. Just as I get to the dining area I get a text from ‘Dwayne’. ‘I’m upstairs eating along the patio’ it reads. Geez, you mean I have to walk pass even more people smelling the way I do. This check definitely isn’t coming easy. I finally find him up stairs, just like he said, eating along the balcony overlooking the strip. We make eye contact.

Now at this point his eyes once he catches mine go from, ‘there he is!’ to ‘there he is?’ in just 1.5 seconds. It’s as if the closer I got, his eyes where saying the more he wished that I would keep walking and spare him the embarrassment of him having to acknowledge that I know him, at least in public. I get to him.

Me: “What’s up bro! What’s going on?”

‘Dwayne’: (with this look on his face like he cannot believe what he is looking at.) “Um? Nothing.”

‘Dwayne’: “Are you ok?” (And without hesitation) “What’s wrong with you?” ...
'Dwayne': “Are you eating?”…

Me: “Yeah, no I’m fine.. I’m good.Thanks.”

‘Dwayne’: (with my check in his right hand he very, very, slowly, cause he’s still in shock, gives me my check) (I can tell that he still can’t believe what he is looking at)

(he says, with serious concern in his voice) “No seriously. Dude eat with us.” “Do you want a beer?”

Me: “No. I really can’t. I have to be somewhere but I really do appreciate it!”

‘Dwayne’: (with the look of pure shock on his face) “Um, ok man?” “Get better.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Me: (pointing at the check) “Thanks again man.”

‘Dwayne’: “Sure…..”

I give him one last head nod of ‘thanks.’ I turn my back and Eric and I head out. Well… That sucked. The walk to the truck was a long one but as we stepped closer and closer to Eric’s truck my heart started to be just a little bit faster. The experience I just exchanged with ‘Dwayne’ seemed to dissipate with every step I took furthering myself from the restaurant. Why? Because, I have a check in my hand and I can’t wait to get in Eric’s truck to open it, and see the amount, and make sure my name is on it! So exciting! We get to Eric’s truck.

 I hop in and rip open the envelope. What’s on the inside? A check for sure with my name on it (yeah!) the amount of $60.00 (yeah!) and it’s made out to CASH! Fuck yeah! Totally making everything I just went through completely worth it! Fuck yeah I’m so happy right now!  

Eric: “So what now?”

Me: “Check cashing store, fucking food, and then the second hand store.”

Eric: “I get check cashing and fucking food but the second hand store?”

Me: “Yeah, for really, really, cheap used clothes. I do have interviews that I have to get to today. After all, I’m getting a job today. I can feel it!”

Eric: “Ok! Lets do it!”

So, Eric and I take off. We head to the check cashing store, the $1 store and then the second hand store with my new found glory to get me some interview clothes.

Currently I have just one pair of pants, socks, shoes, boxers, and two shirts. I've been in the same clothes, I’ve also been sleeping in them on the floor for months now...without a shower. So not only do I smell funky (I'm sure of it) but, without having access to a washing machine, I'm sure that my clothing smells a hell of a lot worse than I do. And we arrive at the 'bargain' store.

I head to the men's section and quickly begin to go through clothing that was donated by other men who are clearly living a better life than I am right now.

Carefully, I go through donated shirts, pants, and socks, trying to stay within budget and get the cheapest stuff possible. The idea here is to get an entire outfit that I can feel proud of and feel good in. After all I do have interviews today so I have to bring my A game which means I not only 'look' the part, but 'feel' the part as well. I can't start the interview off with, "Hi, my name is Siloh... and I'm homeless, can't you tell?" something tells me that might not work well with landing the job. So I'm going through all kinds of clothing ... locating by price ... then eliminating the ones with rips, stains, and/or tears. Finally! I find something, actually, I find a few things. I run to the changing room with my new found treasure to make sure they fit. Everything fits!! This is amazing! What is today? Is it my lucky day? I bolt out of the changing room area.... run to the check out (and I do mean run!) as if the clothing had an expiration timer on them and If I didn't get to the counter on time, they would explode. She rings me up, just under $40...Cha-Ching!

Now I know what you're thinking you've been surviving on rolled nickels and just got paid $60 and you spent 80% of it on buying clothes? Yes! Remember, I don't have a stove in Eric's homeless man charity office suite and $20 goes a looonngggg way at the Dollar Store (which I will get into in a second.) So I left the second had store with 2 pair of pants, a sweater, a dress shirt, 2 pairs of socks, a new pair of dress shoes and a new hat (I had to, It's the only way to cover my hair which has been obviously neglected due to me being "home-challenged".) Everything matches and is interchangeable so I basically walked out with like 5 outfits for the price of one! So I walk (for the first time today) out of that store feeling as if I somehow, I WAS BACK! This is a great moment, and I just wanted to baste in it, if only for a moment. With change left over Eric and I hit up the Dollar Store for my 'life start over/make over kit' and for some food!

Arriving at the Dollar Store I pick up (1) pair of nail clippers, (1) razor, (1) shaving cream, (1) tooth brush (because the one that changed my life fell into the toilet), tooth paste, under arm deodorant, and mouth wash. I throw them in the cart, now time for food. Ahhh Food!! I get (3) loaves of bread, (2) jars of Peanut Butter, (2) jars of Jelly, and (1) gallon of water. $15 Dollars spent whoo hoo! I don't spend the entire left over $20. I keep $5 in my pocket because; I haven't had any type of dollar anything in my pocket for 3 months plus, this $5 represents more than just money. It represents hope, represents a belief that with a little bit of money in your back pocket and some luck that even a homeless man can take on the world. Not to mention, I have everything that I can ask for. I have the basics! I have food, shelter (even though it's on the floor in Eric's 14 x 16 no window office suite) and clothing. So I keep it, the whole five bucks, in my back pocket, all to myself. We check out. Leave the Dollar Store. What time is it? Crap! We got to get back! I’ve got to get ready for my interviews, pronto!

Eric drops me off at the office building. I say goodbye, thank him a gazillion times and I begin to get out. Right before the door has a chance to "Bang" close behind me, I look up. I just so happen to notice a barber shop on the second floor of the building I'm sleeping in. How did I not notice this before? Is it possible with a few bucks in your back pocket and a little bit of hope that your eyes open up that much wider than they would without them? I don't know. But what I do know is that my mind is too busy coming up with ways of getting my hands on an electric razor to shave this full beard/birds nest off of my face.

Here's the plan now remember I only have $5 bucks and a pocket full of hope and I'm not spending that for nothing! So the plan is to go up there, ask them if I can borrow one of their electric shavers, or hair cutters, so I can get rid of this 'rats nest' called a beard off of my face or at least shave it down to something that's manageable that can easily be shaved off with my new Dollar Store razor.

I eagerly run upstairs.... walk in their door.... everyone (and I mean the one customer getting his hair cut at 10am in the morning and the two other guys that resemble barbers) immediately turn their attention to the door and stare at me as I enter. The guy to my left resembling something of a barber says 'zup?' giving me immediate permission to approach him (at least in my head that's what 'zup' means.) I walk up to him. I ask him "do you work here?" he says, "yeah, what’z zup?"

Now at this point my voice drops down to a whisper. Kind of like a secret 007 mission is about to take place because I do not want anyone else to overhear or know what I'm about to ask him. I ask "do you have a pair of hair clippers I can borrow?" "I need to take this bird’s nest off of my face for a job interview I have today." He eagerly replies "I can take that off for you!" I reply "No, you don't understand, I can't pay you to take it off of my face for me... I don't have any money"....in an even deeper voice I whisper "I'm homeless....I don’t have any money and I really need this right now"... "But I promise to bring them right back to you OR I can shave it off right here, your choice?"....

Time stops.

I recognize this moment, it's the same moment I had in the bathroom when I dropped my tooth brush in the public toilet. For about 30 seconds nothing is said. He tilts his head to the right, looks at me with a strange look as to say "what are you crazy or something?" but nothing is said. The "crazy look" in his eyes seems to slowly dissipate. His head returns back to its regular position and he says...."ok?." I swear I could have kissed him. But he's a big black man and I'm sure he would not have appreciated it. So I ignored the idea of kissing him on the cheek. He says "what unit/office are you in?" I say (like a kid in a candy store, overly excited).. "I’m in 135!" He says "if you're not back in 5 minutes, I'm coming downstairs for my clippers and to fuck you up!" I say, "No problem!" The weird 'crazy look' returns to his eyes again as if he thought that his big black ass coming down to my unit to kick my frail little ass for not returning his clippers, would be somewhat be enjoyed by me.

Not the case but anyhow, he looks down into his barber drawer, digs in and pulls out a pair of really nice hair clippers. He doesn't give these to me.... He puts them in his left hand, bends over, digs down again and pulls out another pair of clippers. These aren't bad either!... He doesn't give these to me either. As a matter of fact he doesn't even look at me. He then goes down for a 3rd time, pulls out a 3rd pair of clippers. He looks at them; he looks at me, and says... "Here, you can use these" and hands me, which I only know now why he was looking so hard, were the shittiest pair of hair clippers known to man! They look like they were originally purchased in the 1970's?? Like he gave Jesus his first fade with these?? But I don't care, nor do I mind. I know he didn't have to say 'Yes' and for that alone I am truly grateful. I dart down to the public bathroom on a mission with my new found best friends hair clippers and new clothes.

Bathroom's available? Yes!! Time to get busy!

I enter the bathroom, lock the door behind me, find an outlet and go to town on my face. Now I can only assume what it might have sounded like outside that bathroom.

Locked door, buzzing sounds, a machine vibrating, a man obviously in pleasure screaming 'Oh yeah! that's what I'm talking about!' ... you get the picture. I don't care. In record timing I cut off the birds nest beard from off of my face. Save myself about ten years. Darting out of that bathroom I head back up the stairs, back into the barber shop, with time to spare. I walk up to that same barber, out of breath as hand him his clippers, he's looks at me and says.."you weren't kidding?".. This time I reply back with a look of my own as to say, 'I told ya!'. Instead I say "thanks." Turn my back to exit and dart out of the barbershop door and back down the stairs. I still need to shave but those clippers saved me a bunch of time. I head back down to the 14 x 16 office suite I've been calling home aka 'Erics homeless man charity sleeper suite', grab my 'life start over/make over Dollar Store kit' and head back to the public bathroom for a second time. This time I head back for what my ex would call, my 'getting pretty' bathroom time.

I shave the rest of the hair that is left on my face off, I cut my finger nails for the first time in months, toe nails (which at this time did resemble 'talons'), wash my face, under my arm pits and man business. I finish up, pack up, take one look in the shiney metal box on the wall aka 'mirror' and say to myself in the mirror .. in all my glory... with a smile on my face ... "Well Mr. Moses, you clean up pretty well, for someone who's homeless."

Read my next diary post:
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
'Better Than This' the blog

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